deponti

Here I am, quoted in the Indian Express by Saritha Rai, a journalist whom I respect.

click here



I do agree to having faced ageism in Chennai...and often facing it in life...

..but I want to make it clear that for the most part, I said the EXACT opposite to what is quoted...I said, VERY clearly, that in Bangalore, and in wildlife and birding circles, I have never come across ageism at all. Between what one says to a professional reporter (even one who is a personal friend) and what that person hears and writes...there seems to be a very wide gap!

Let me state once again, that the birding community, the young-theatre-group community, the wildlife community, the cycling community,the quizzing community, the LJ community...all these seem to have NO ageism at all, and I find myself, and even older people, accepted for who they are, and indeed, age and its attendant experience is often given great respect.

I will be writing to Saritha about this, never fear. For my age, I am quite active, and so are my tongue...and typing fingers!

Deepa.

I think I am the happiest and probably the luckiest person in the world. I have general good health (forget the occasional blips...everyone has them), great family, wonderful friends, the ability to be comfortable with who I am, and what I can achieve, the ability to learn (albeit, very slowly), I like people and am perennially interested in them....all this is incredibly good fortune...yes, I do have a fortune in my mind and heart...and it may long after Thanksgiving, but I do give thanks.

On the Chennai Photowalk, I found this beggar, whose crutches need crutches...



Now, would I call him lucky or not? Believe me, he was grinning at all the photographers, who all pressed money upon him... perhaps this appearance is his stock-in-trade, to help get photographers get their "artistic" and "ethnic" this-is-India shots!

Off to the Zoo area to have a nice little ramble....

Oh my, when I get a forward...I seem to get it from ALL directions. (right now, for some reason, it's Shashi Tharoor's speech at TED Mysore.)

On one of the egroups that I moderate, people forward jokes and aphorisms and those icky-chweet stories...that others on the egroup have forwarded earlier. I guess some people only like *sending* forwards, not reading them!

I *hate* getting forwards with those HUGE chunks of emails at the beginning...

And those anti-someone-or-the-other email forwards...

Or those forwards which are false (like the Tommy Hilfiger apartheid one, or the one about someone giving you an injection and leaving you in a tub full of ice while they make off with your kidney/s) but are STILL circulating.

And I want to know....WHY do all the jokes have to be in such OE (Orrible English)? No, not ethnic Indian English, but really LOUSY language with ghastly spellings, so that I don't know whether to laugh at the joke or the language.

But most of all I detest the do-this-AND-forward this to 89,975 people by tomorrow or your eyelashes will fall out forwards...and the yucky-saccharin "if you like me send this back to me!" forwards. i don't WANT tweety little birds and cutesy little doggies with messages under them....

But...for every 100 forwards I get...I do forward one...because I like it!

The latest forward? One about a sari that cost Rs. 40 lakhs....

In

one of my posts

I had talked about the joys of bargaining, and asakiyume had said she would never like it...I need to explain this to her'

I buy stuff in two ways. One is...the straightforward way. I look at the price of something, pay it, get the item, and off I go.

But on the other side is the whole wide world of bargaining!

It takes a lifetime here to know what is bargainable,and what is not. (I would never, for example, bargain for 5 kg of rice at the store!) But over a period of time, one...just *knows*.
And then, of course, the pas de deux begins....


( the bargain )


Good bargaining practices are...a form of culture!

The sunrise on the Marina today was lovely, as usual...




It really looked like the "rising sun" symbol of the ruling party of Tamil Nadu, the

Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam or DMK


Came back and read more about Dubai's debt...and felt that everywhere, I am watching hype and brightness and charm of manner overshadow genuine worth, and steadiness.

Those who have charm...bankers...financiers...the "marketers" convince others with big talk and sweet words...and honest and trusting people fall for it, every time!

It's so sad that often, big finance seems to be a big sham, without any substance to it. The edifice stands as long as Peter can be robbed to pay Paul. When Peter refuses to be fleeced, the walls go tumbling down.

Love of money is, indeed, the root of all evil. Five years ago, "Dubai" was a magic word; what is it today?

Yesterday, I went with my friend G, to visit her maternal grandmother, PattammAL.....she's now 102 years old.

In the years when I spent my second stint at Chennai, I became good friends with this lady. She lived by herself, in a breezy, lovely flat in the VaLLuvar kOttam area, with a full-time cook and a part-time maid for company.

She was very knowledgeable about music; my friend G says that another lady became interested in ThevAram songs after listening to P's wide repertoire. Certainly, I found her guidance useful and I have gone to her home to practice before concerts.

She was very fond of Sanskrit shlokAs, and not so fond of the TV, which was there for the cook's benefit! When I entered, some tape or the other would often be playing.

She herself ate very little (she was around 95 at the time) but she was most hospitable, and would offer me whatever had been made that day. She would often tell me to inform her beforehand, so that she could have the cook make something "better"!

She would play Boggle with me and G, and would enjoy the game just as much as we did. Once she told me I could use only words that she was familiar with: "Don't tell me that all these words are now there, I don't know them!" she smiled.

She was very good with her hands, too, and I still have the set of coasters that she crocheted for me...

Neatly dressed, I never once found her harking back too much to the past; perhaps I missed out, in this way, on the accounts of her life, which would have been very interesting indeed...pages of history come to life.

But now...everything is changed. She fell, once, but recovered; she had to move into a rented apartment from the breezy, cool one. Then, she broke her right arm, and this, somehow, seemed to break that indomitable spirit, too, G says. In the years that I moved to Bangalore, she still seemed fine, and was indepenedent in taking care of herself...but in the past few months, she has become disoriented to place and time; the always spare, lean frame has shrunk to skeletal proportions, and the words she speaks are either unintelligible, or are not relevant.

She hasn't been able to even recognize G, or the fact that her daughter (G's mother) died exactly a year ago.. perhaps she is spared the pain...

But...she now feels the burden of her age and existence, and G says she often asks if G can administer something to help her die...she has lost the will to live, and surely, she dislikes beind dependent on others for her daily tasks.

She's being cared for by an 80-year-old cook, who herself appears in need of care and is hard of hearing, and two or three ladies who clean her, bathe her and care for her, one full-time, and the others part-time. She is often irritated with them, as her frustration probably increases at her dependency.

She misses having family around; the lady who was so independent that she hardly liked being touched, now clings to my hand and G's...and sheds tears. She doesn't like it when G has to leave. G goes to spend time with her twice or thrice a week... a difficult enough task, as G has an aging mother in law to look after at home, and a full-time, demanding job as well.

The plight of dependent age is before me...stark and dreadful...and I remind myself that I am actually looking at a lady who is being reasonably well-cared for. Her son and daughter in law live in a tiny flat where they cannot accomodate her; G says they spend about 40 or 50 thousand rupees a month on maintaining the establishment, from the rent to the salaries to the food....

"dheerghAyushymAn bhava....( may you live a long life)" ...the phrase no longer denotes a blessing to me. My mother used to say, "one must die and have people say, 'sad, she died'...rather than living and have people say, 'sad, she's living'..." and now I see the justice of her remarks.

The MahAbhArathA chronicles the sufferings of Devavrata, who became Bheeshma....the man who could die when he wished to, but who could, in actuality, die only long after he *wanted* to. He lived to see values and customs changing and his own kinsfolk becoming his enemies. The last days of his life were spent on a bed of arrows...and that, to me, symbolizes the difficulties of those who have to live through a depenedent old age.

PattamAL mAmi....I pray for a painless release for you. You are already no longer the person I was friends with. That person...has gone, forever. All that is there now...is the husk of the body, and the remains of that wonderful mind and its repository of knowledge.

I repeat the mantrA even more forcefully:

"anAyAsEna maraNam, vinA dhainyEna jeevanam...kripayA pAhimAm shambhO...sharaNAgatha vathsala"

(let me lead an independent life and die very easily...have mercy on me, Shiva, the friend of those who surrender to You.)

It seems to me that overpopulation lies behind most of the troubles we face in India today...the over-burdered, groaning, decaying infrastructure of our cities...the rampant corruption as high demand chases low supply..the wildlife-humankind conflict...the greed, and the need to make money quickly...road rage as everyone tries to get past quickly....

When I was young, the average school class consisted on 20 to 30 children...today, to send one's child to a school with that kind of student-teacher ratio, one must cough up a fortune.

Even where the system *tries* to be transparent, sheer numbers dictate cut-throat survival tactics....I was standing in the pre-paid auto queue at Chennai today, and was told by two or three auto drivers who approached me, that the queue would be long, autos would not be available, so would I like to take their autos...? Such blatant lying only means that the need to survive is a matter of great pressure.

The auto I got into went down a narrow lane...filled with stagnant water, and in extremely poor shape...I appreciate the pre-paid auto initiative, but the pathetic condition of the auto area made me feel very bad.

I will no longer travel by second class coaches; they have become crowded and the toilets stink...

My country seems to be sinking in the mire of its own inefficiency and corruption...

Our Indian culture seems, to me, to be excellent at one thing...keeping down the sense of self-worth in individuals who are meek in nature to begin with.

And most of us are not militant in-your-face egotists; we might have some appreciation of our talents or strengths, but in general, we are very much aware that there are others who can run rings around us in any department we care to name.

As long as this gives us a healthy attitude of humility, things are fine. But what seems to happen is much worse...the person seems to feel that s/he is not interesting/intelligent/whatever to "match up" with others...and tends to retire into a shell from which it is difficult to extricate hem. All the more, this person *appears* boring when s/he is NOT.

This feels even worse, to me, when I see others, far less deserving of the spotlight, hog it with great glee, while the people who probably know more about the subject stay in the background because of several reasons: a natural disinclination to push themselves forward, a feeling that probably the other person IS better than they are, and sometimes, the feeling that they don't really care! (This last instance doesn't apply to my present peroration, as they are the people, in Isaac Asimov's words, who are "so intelligent (substitute interesting or good-looking or rich or whatever) that they see no need to advertise the fact." They are happy in themselves.)

We then have the amusing spectacle of the less-knowledgeable holding forth in style to an audience of people comprising those who actually know MORE than the speaker! (this could be a speech or a meeting of people, or whatever.)

I find Indian women particularly prone to this complaint; they have, traditionally, a lifetime of being casually considered second-grade persons, to the point where they take on the attitude automatically.

When I was teaching music, I found that with women, most often it was not so much a matter of teaching them to sing, as of boosting their self-esteem to the point where they thought that they *deserved* the one hour of the music class as time devoted to themselves, and also, to the point where they would open their throats and sing uninhibitedly. "What will the others say or think?" seems to be the guiding force of SO much inhibition and self-repression that I see around me.

It took me, too, a long time to throw out (not always successfully, alas) the "I'm not worth it" attitude that I grew up with. All my life, I was compared with a cousin who was studying to be a doctor. "You are studying ENGLISH and PHILOSOPHY! Of what use is that?" was often openly asked. It was only later that the term "liberal arts education" came into use. Until then, I could not convey to others that I was thoroughly *enjoying* my studies (that was also a no-no..one was supposed to study HARD and STRUGGLE and SUFFER to do well academically!)....and when I first met KM's IIM-A group, I had this big chip of "I'm only a lowly housewife" on my shoulder...but lo and behold, I find that those who are comfortable in their own skins, have NO problem in appreciating things about others. My singing... and even my lousy jokes were appreciated..and I really do think I grew up as a person then, and I too have learnt to look for what is interesting in a person without discarding hem too easily. And...there is always SOMETHING that is interesting about each person I meet!

Self-esteem (not to be confused with mock modesty or veiled arrogance!) is a very necessary part of one's personal happiness. I've been very, very lucky to be able to get some measure of it (though it still fails me occasionally, when I quail at meeting a new group)...and I wish everyone I know gets enough of it, too....

Insomnia seems to have become a permanent friend...but I had a great day yesterday (early morning birding, some torcher, afternoon play and a lovely time with friends) and I am looking forward to my trip to

Maidanahalli

in a few hours with

Garima

and others from the BULBs (Bangalore Urban Lady-Birders...we have co-opted some male members, such as

Rajneesh Suvarna ,

though!)


I am sitting in the dark with just one goose-necked lamp...and was musing about light and darkness. That darkness is associated with evil both in terms of the lack of colour (making it black) and lack of light. The dispelling of darkness often signifies the dispelling of gloom, despair, and anything not good.

On my way up the stairs in our apartment complex, I found that someone was celebrating a festival unknown to me (probably it was also the Tamizh festival of kArthigai, I don't know...), they had set up this little shrine outside their home with lights to dispel the darkness:





It was rather unusual to have the puja display outside the home rather than inside it...but it made a warm, appealing picture!

And then, of course, my asakiyume picture...in this one, the light is fading and yet the gathering darkness seems no portent of evil, but rather, the peace and rest that come after happiness and work well accomplished:





Sunset on a daily basis is echoed, in my mind, with the fall season, where the days draw in, there's a sense of things ripened and replete...."season of mists and fruitfulness", as Keats puts it. To some people, of course, the lesser amount of light is depressing...but to me, being a person who loves the rains and the monsoon, it's not of any negative connotation.

"and leaves the world to darkness and to me", writes the poet Thomas Grey...and the peace of that statement is tinged with melancholy, and the name of the poem is "The Elegy"!

It perhaps takes someone in a tropical country, who bears the harsh sun, to appreciate lack of light, and the dimness and coolness that accompany it.

To me, the fall, the Sisir Ritu, and the evening, are wonderful times.

With the internet at one's disposal, sending greetings is a very easy thing to do.

No more hunting for the right card(s), hunting for the addresses (surely that aunt moved last year?), writing them laboriously, signing your name to so many cards, pasting on the postage (did the postage go up since the last time?....of COURSE it did!) and going to the post office to mail the cards, hoping that even in the rush, somehow, the greetings will reach their proper destination....and not be dumped by some disgruntled postperson who is sick and tired of walking around every day!

No...with the internet, in the twinkling of a moment, you can send greetings to your friends. And your family. And your relatives. And others.

Ah...the others. Here's where the problem lies.

Some of us seem to think very all-inclusively about our communication; we seem to want to include every name and email id on our Address Book. I don't seem to relate even to those physical cards which come with some unintelligible signature in them, with a bald wish for "good wishes for the festive season" or whatever.The signature is illegible because it was the 873rd time the poor sender was putting it on paper, of course.

To me, bulk greetings of any sort (both postal and e-mail) totally miss the point that such communication should make, which is, "I am thinking especially of you." If I address a card (e- or real) to 250 people, who am I kidding that I am thinking of them? I am just thinking about getting my greeting-sending chore done, that's all!

I cannot, therefore, send those generic festival greetings to everyone on my list. I would like to wish different people differently. (Eg for my sis in law, who has one false tooth in her smile, I made a greeting card that said, "Without you, there would be a gap in our lives."...something like that.)

Yes, e-cards save paper...quite a lot of it, so I do like sending them. But each of my friends deserves individual attention, so if I feel the need to, I'll send an individual card to each of them....

And what I have now started doing is, sending e-card *replies*, not greetings. To those friends and family who have wished me, or communicated with me, I send greetings or mail in return. I do not send out greetings on my own, because knowing me, I am bound to leave someone out!

But if you have sent me a greeting that is also going out to the rest of the egroup or your address book, I am sorry, I will not be replying to you!

Well, I do hope each of you is having a good festival, if you celebrate it, or enjoying the holiday(s) if you don't...! But you're not going to get bulk e-greetings from me.....

this post

by premkudva had a quick video...that made a point.

It set me thinking, and I typed out a response:


"Well, it made a point, quite valid.

"But the point I want to make is, that not every person gets the same opportunities, or is mentally able to deal with infirmities in the same way....so I too have found that people who have overcome disability are often the least empathetic to the troubles of others in a similar situation.

"I see SO many people who brush off others' blindness with statements like 'They'll develop their other senses' or something equally thoughtless. Yes, some people DO overcome disability...but it's not something EVERY one can do, and it is, indeed, a huge mountain."

I have one friend who was, overnight, struck by paralysis, and has been in a wheelchair ever since. S/he has truly vanquished hes disability; there's not a restaurant or a movie theatre that s/he has not visited, and s/he has travelled all over the world...and has remained unfailingly cheerful, even though even worse things happened to hes family. I have deep admiration for this friend.

But...when someone else was suddenly struck down, I expected hir to be empathetic, and remark how tough life must be for the other person, the response was very surprising. "So what? If I could overcome it, every one can, the other person should stop moping and get on!"

Each of us has a different mental makeup; what's a pragmatic effort to overcome something, for one person, can be an insuperable obstacle to another. Not everyone has the gung-ho attitude, or the intense mental strength, to face difficulties head on, not lose one's sense of humour, and carry on. This is as true, whether the disability is a temporary, or a permanent, one.

Perhaps, within misfortunes, too, there are varying degrees...for example, to me, the loss of sight would be MUCH worse than the loss of a limb (or so I think, sitting comfortably on my sofa, with probably no REAL idea of what these would involve on a daily basis.)

All I do know is that for each person, a disability is a HUGE obstacle to be overcome, and one must not think any less of that person if they fail to overcome it totally. Constant pain...this alone can cause so much bitterness of the spirit....or even just insomnia can make someone so crabby (tell me all about it...)..we have to respect the fact that a person is combating the disability, and not pass quick judgement about how they can overcome it "if they put their mind to it". It's like saying everyone can climb Mt Everest if they wish to. That's technically true...but NOT true in real life. For some of us, that mountain of "can't" will always remain a formidable block.

And..when someone HAS overcome some disability, we also tend to take it for granted, and forget what a monumental effort it must have taken, and continues to take. The friend I referred to above was criticised by some others as being "too noisy" and cracking too many jokes when in a group, I am not kidding!


Oh, by the way...how many people still open quotation marks at the beginning of every new paragraph of a quote? Is it done at all nowadays? In my English Honours papers, FIVE marks would be cut off if it wasn't done...

Several of my friends have quit their jobs lately...each for a different reason...to pursue another interest, because the job is not to their liking, to pursue higher studies, motherhood, marriage, a better job....

When the decision is a fait accompli, it's probably easier to quit a job. (I'm not talking about being laid off.) But what about when there ARE things about one's job that one is enjoying, and the money IS convenient (when is money not convenient?), when the contacts are useful, and when the perks are good? How, then, does one make the decision to quit? If (as has happened to a couple of friends) one wants to take up a job again, or wants to quit the next job.... does one want the old job back, or not?

Is one beset by worries that one may regret the decision later? Or is it an easy decision, after all?

I have never held a full-time job, so...I'd like inputs from all of you. Whenever I have quit any of my part-time jobs, it's been because I've wanted to, so there's never been any dilemma over it.

Lately, though, it's been bugging me a little that I've never earned any significant money in my life....doesn't bug me a LOT, but yes, the thought is there that I am probably a leech-parading-as-a-housewife...

A and I were discussing Charles Ponzi....she had read about him on

this link

and she talked of the man's "amazing audacity".

Audacity....is that good, or bad? I was thinking about it.

What Ponzi did was clearly unethical; there's no dilemma about it. But..there are opportunities that a few of us recognize, and even fewer utilize, to make money in the financial world.

Let me cite two examples:

In the days when zero-interest credit cards were being provided, someone made a lot of money by leveraging the credit on many cards at once.

At a time when companies were listing on the stock market and were offering allocation of shares at par prices, someone applied under the names of all the family members and made sure their chances of allocation were very much higher than applying under just one name. The allotted shares, of course, appreciated a lot in value, much more so than the same shares bought later in the open market.


Both of these were legal ways to make money, and it depended on their ability to spot the opportunity (it's no longer possible) and make use of it.

Most of us would not make money by such means, for several reasons:

1. We would not even be aware of such an opportunity.

2. Even if we were, the sheer hard work that would be involved in such procedures would, in our estimation, not be worth it.

3. The risk in such procedures would be unacceptably high for us.

There are two ways to look at people who utilize such opportunities, (or, sometimes, loopholes in the rules) and make money: one might call them "smart" or "sharp". The second term, which I have heard often, somehow seems to have rather a negative connotation.

So...is the using of such opportunities ethical or not? I'm not able to answer this...if the law allows somethings, and the rules do, is that unethical?

D has a yardstick to measure any act as ethical: "If everyone did the same thing, would it be sustainable, or would it harm or hurt people?"

That makes it easy ...when one is sitting in an armchair having an academic discussion. But in real life, everyone does NOT do the same things; so...the few who see the opportunities and use them....are they being savvy or being unethical?

It goes down all the way, to even small actions, I think. I've just been replying to a couple of theatre groups who asked me to come and review the plays they are staging...and I had two options: one, to say I was out of town and couldn't do the review, and two, to say I was abroad and couldn't do the review. I typed out the second statement...and I *know* that it's more glamorous to make the latter statement, and it will better keep me "on the radar" until I get back to being a regular reviewer....but somewhere, somehow, there's a twinge of unhappiness (not true repungnance, or I wouldn't do it) that I should only make the first statement.

What do you think? How does one call the grey areas?

Beauty is but skin-deep, I often like telling myself..mainly because my beauty seems to stop short of even my epidermis. The closest claim I can lay to beauty is when my friends, who see photographs of me when young, exclaim (with great surprise in their voices) "You look good in a PHOTOGRAPH!" or "You looked good when you were young!" I don't mind the words, but I am NOT happy at the surprise in their voices!

All my life I have had people telling me, "You would be beautiful if you were taller." Or...fairer. Oh, my dark skin...has been, you would think, my besetting sin! "If only you were a little fairer..."..to this I would add, "or juster.. or kinder..."

Or there would be what I call DC...Deadly Compliments. "D is the kind of person who is beautiful from within, she has no need for outside beauty," is a gem I always remember. This wonderful remark was matched by another aunt who saw me after a few years and in genuine concern, exclaimed for all the guests at the marriage to hear, "enna.... eLecchu, karutthu, karuvAdA pOyittai?" (Why have you thinned out, darkened, and shrivelled up?) Wonderful words to hear!

Then came the comments that my short haircut occasioned. People in India have NO compunction about passing personal remarks, and indeed, the first thing they refer to when they see you is your personal appearance. One of the memorable remarks about my hair was, "Why do you have a 'I hate men' haircut?" Oh my goodness, I didn't know that my hair had anything to do with my attitude to men..I thought it was mostly about my attitude to swimming! (My hairloss has completely stopped since I cut my hair short, but that's another story.)

But all this has a very good side too...I have never been (or given the chance to be) vain about my looks, and have, consequently, been very comfortable in my appearance (and my dark skin, alas!) I was not overly attached to the long hair that I could sit on, and could chop it off so that swimming and indeed, general maintenance became easy. The arrival of a mid-life paunch on a waistline that was once (yes, really) 23 inches did not trouble me at all. To me exercise is not a way of looking good, but of feeling good..and being fit.

Recently, I asked KM how I look and in all honesty, he replied, "Your face has caved in, but you are OK otherwise." I know of uxoricide, but I cannot get its antonym...but that's what was about to happen that day!

I do not have a dresser-full of cosmetics, and I have never been to a parlour to have my eyebrows done, or various parts of me waxed...ever. I have never had a facial. Simple and inexpensive cosmetics suffice for me, and I am so glad about it!

(Only one person has called me beautiful, and I must say, I still *glow* (from the inside, of course!!) when I think of it!

Similarly, I may enjoy good looks when I see them, but to me, a good-looking person without a happy smile is NOT good-looking, and to me, all my friends ARE good-looking. I'm sorry, I am NOT able to see where the so-called ugly faces are. When a friend smiles at me....I can only see that smile and its beauty...

I know someone whose face is very scarred, and several people asked me, "What happened to her?" But after the first look, when I started talking to her, I liked her so much...that the scars just sort of vanished, as far as I was concerned. She later told me that most people found it hard to even talk to her because they were distracted by the scars. I felt that she had great strength of mind to face the world without wanting to improve her looks; to me, that made her even more beautiful. Was this very idealistic of me? I don't know....but too often, I have seen the vanity and the lack of substance that can go with extreme good looks. I rarely compliment people on their physical beauty, as I think it's not something they can take credit for! To me, an intelligent, alert look, a good-natured smile, a helpful nature, these are more beautiful..


Of course, I wish I was good-looking, too, because good-looking people...the TFH (Tall Fair Handsome) or SFB (Slim Fair Beautiful) people have such an advantage over the rest of us poor slobs! They get smiled at first, served first....oh well, in my next birth, perhaps!Right now, let me take my caved-in face to sleep....

What do you do, if you have politically or socially incorrect views?

Every age and time has views that are "right" to have. And it is difficult to realize that the beliefs and credos that we take for granted right now, may have been unacceptable just a short time ago.

When my daughter was a baby, it was not only the accepted thing, but actively the "right" thing to do, to feed the baby water as well as milk, and to give the baby "gripe water" (are any of you old enough to remember Woodwards Gripe Mixture? God knows what it was made OF, I never asked!)....today's mothers would be horrified to feed the baby anything but mother's milk (or formula) for the first six months of the infant's life.

We were taught that putting the baby in the "thooLi" (cloth sling hung from the ceiling)would accustom the baby to it so much that it would never sleep elsewhere...and I was worried when DnA decided that they would have the thooLi for their baby. And yes...she sleeps in it...and sleeps just as comfortably anywhere else...well, so far, at least.

But there are other opinions, not just about child-rearing....what, for example, if I believe that homosexuality is an outrage against Nature, that homosexuals are "freaks"? In today's world, when it is "cool" to accept homosexuality (I personally still cannot see how we can turn our face against something that seems to have existed from the dawn of history)...but if I genuinely DO believe this, it's a very difficult world for me. I dare not express such a view, for fear of being labelled as an anti-progressive...or worse.

I feel often, that though today we tout ourselves as "tolerant"...we are, in reality, no different from the people of the Middle Ages who were proud to subscribe to THEIR accepted views on the world, and would be as intolerant of other views as they were.

What would traditional parents-of-the-groom in my community do? They believe in dowry...NOT as a cruel way of extracting money from the bride's family...they would have been shocked to know that is how it's regarded (and that's how it is!)...but to them, it is a social custom, and if they have daughters, they would give the dowry without a second thought, too. They are just people who don't question the validity of their beliefs, but accept what has been handed down to them...surely not a crime all the time. Even today, there are people who genuinely believe in this..or perhaps the reverse, that a bride-price must be paid, before bringing the bride home. We have got used to the idea that money being involved in a wedding as distasteful...but I know plenty of communities where the couple are allowed to coochy coo while the elders quietly settle what is delicately referred to as the "loukeekam" (worldly affairs!) part of the wedding! But have we, in changing our views, made it impossible for divergent opinions to be expressed? Are we not perpetuating the same intolerance that our forbears handed down to us, where one set of beliefs had to be adhered to, or professed, and another was taboo?

Wouldn't REAL tolerance only be achieved when someone can strongly express an opinion that is NOT of the majority, and not have to either keep up the semblance of conforming to the group, or be quiet about the beliefs?

I believe that dissent is essential...if everyone were like everyone else, what would be the interest in life? We must learn to respect other points of view, if held honestly, even if they are diametrically opposite to our own. As someone famously said, "I may not share your views, but will defend to the death, your right to express them."

I've been watching the Tour de France every day, and watched

Lance Armstrong

come in third.

I once read an internet forward to the effect that one should always be first, as no one ever remembers who came second in anything.

My own father-in-law also tried to inculcate this value in his children, and in the one grandchild that he dealt a lot with in her formative years...my daughter. I remember him saying, "You must be first..and so far in the lead that the others must be far behind!"

Winning is, obviously a good goal to aim for. To be the best is eminently satisfying.

But often, it's not important to be first...and it's very, very important to be third, the way Lance Armstrong came in third in this race.

Lance has won other races..the race with cancer, the race with the media about drug abuse, the race with the falling physical fitness that aging brings.

How many people could win an extremely tough race for seven years? How many could take a break from such a gruelling race for three years, and then come back to get placed third? How many would be cheered in a country where, just a while ago, he was booed as a drug user?

Contador won because he deserved to win, and he has the laurels he worked very hard for. But Lance, whose "Live Strong" campaign started long before this, is...to me...the true winner. Endurance, patience, persistence, the will and the spirit never to give up....those, for me, sum up the indomitable human spirit that Lance Armstrong embodies.

If I do my best, it's not important where I place in comparison with others...I am a winner to my own conscience. I have given it 100%, and that makes me a winner.

Here's a sign from a bus stop in St Louis, which gives the Lance Armstrong motto:




And here's what I like about a cycle, in general, it's being said as the sun sets on the Tour de France:



In case the words were not clear, here they are:





So...there's a lot of greatness in being third...sometimes it's even more important than being first.

When I approach a problem with my own prejudices and preconceptions slanting my view, the solution is hard to find...





But when I approach things more straightforwardly, and not let my own perceptions line up and block the view, the solutions are open:




A walk is a great time for philosophy!

I read some great words when idahoswede talked about love and marriage; here's what she said to me, in response to a comment of mine:

"It's a question of knowing what you cannot change and moving on. I learned the hard way.... that hearts don't break and one can love again. It won't be the same, nothing ever is, but it won't be bad or inadequate either (unless you allow it).

...It's funny to realise how much love (one can be ) surrounded by .....(love for, and of, the children, relatives, colleagues and friends.) Too much attention is often given to romantic love, but yet we've all seen how transient that can be as well. It's pretty, it feels good, it can be intense, it can be lasting, but so often, it's gone in a wisp of smoke as well."


What fantastic words!


Love, and relationships, have been on my mind lately. I went with my daughter to a La Leche meeting, and there were several mothers there.

One was in tears as she described how her husband feels that their seven-month-0ld son is hogging all the attention, and "manipulating" his mother...they both grew up, she said, in very parental-control environments, where "children were seen and not heard" and the husband cannot understand her not "disciplning" her child a little more....I really did want to give her a hug, but it's another country, another culture, and I let it go...

There was a lesbian couple; and the "wife" in the partnership discussed the issues she was having with the baby's feeding. The other partner remained very quiet throughout, but her love for both partner and baby showed through clearly....she cuddled the baby as he cried, and then gave him back to the mother to feed him....apparently, they had tried artificial insemination to have a baby, but finally had the baby by in vitro fertilization.

I realized, then, that the need to procreate is NOT the exclusive impulse of heterosexual relationships. Given the very high cost in terms of effort, frustration at failed attempts, the extreme expense involved, this couple, at least, has had a very strong impulse to have a child. How, I wonder though, did they decide, in this case, who the mother would be? Did biological factors decide it, or did emotional orientation? The partner was definitely (sorry to use a politcially incorrect word, but it's very descriptive) "butch" enough to perhaps make this part of the decision an easy one.

If one was the "butch" partner in the relationship, how would one then relate to the child? If one was the "male" in the sexual relationship, would that carry over to thee parental relationship? Or would the baby awaken a maternal instinct, and would these two then conflict with each other? charleshaynes...any thoughts from you on this?

Love is such a complex emotion; it often seems to bring as much pain as it brings happiness...a combination of instinct, emotion, intellect, and conditioning. To live is to love, but to love is to open one's heart to both happiness and sorrow, joy and anger, fulfillment and disappointment...


Obviously, I am the captain of the bad ship I N S Omnia again (if I go to sleep after 10pm, this is the invariable consequence!)....off for my morning walk now!

It's all very well to say, profoundly, "alone I came into this world and alone I will go" (even the first part of that sentence would be untrue if one was a twin or a triplet...)but...we do need people. No man is an island (except the Isle of Man.)We thrive, and grow, and shape ourselves only by our interactions with others...the people whom we like, love, hate, tolerate...

The process by which some bonds are much deeper than others is a mysterious one. Yes, one's family is always much closer to one's heart than anyone else, but *why* should it be so? There is really no "right" answer to that, it is just so...and it's a stronger rule for having the odd exception...I have certainly seen brothers and sisters who are barely on speaking terms with each other.

The bond of mutual trust, loyalty, and affection that grows between two people who share what is euphemistically called a "relationship" always amazes me, though. Here are two people who have spent their formative years in very different circumstances; but yet, once they have met, a bond grows that is more important to them than all the others they have. A and B become the people who matter most to each other; and they present a united front to, and often against, the world. The room where I sit with my spouse at the end of the day is OUR space, inviolate; no matter that he is reading something and I am typing this. This is us, and everyone else is one level further away. So too do all "couples" feel...and whatever the arguments and disagreements they have, this feeling of oneness is what defines a relationship.

But sometimes, that relationship doesn't develop at all. Is the human being who is not in such a relationship somehow incomplete? The debate rages about this. Many people (including myself) are of the opinion that the feeling of completeness or incompleteness depends upon the person, and hes need for having someone else in hes life.

For many such people, close friendships take over the space of The Relationship; such people thrive upon their closeness to some of their friends, and lead happy, full lives.

And yet, sometimes loneliness pull apart the veil and looks through the eyes of "single" people; they want the ties of love that, for that brief moment, at least, they feel that they lack.

What is even more complicated to me, is when loving relationships break down. The breaking up of relationship is as difficult to understand as the building up of it was. Why do two people, who have been so comfortable with each other, begin to feel discomfort? It's as tough to understand as the sudden yellowing and withering of a leaf upon the branch of a tree. No, the analogy is not correct, because there are many relationships that do not wither at all. Some...just do.

Human relationships are mysterious complex entities, but none more mysterious and impossible to analyse or grasp than the relationship between two adults that makes each one say of the other, "That's the Special One". The bonds of parenthood, which alone (in my opinion) cause stronger ties of affection, can be explained by genetics; but the bond between two people often defies all rational logic.

Is one, then, lucky to have such a relationship even if it is to break later and cause unutterable pain? Or is the one who has never had the experience either of such joy, or such pain, the luckier, because life has been far more even-tenured?

These thoughts have been churning in my mind because three couples I know are in various stages of breaking up, much as I feel miserable about what is happening, I realize that I must accept things as they are. One of them is a gay relationship, and the breakup has even more ramifications than usual.

One young heterosexual couple, who were initially very worried about how their parents would accept their relationship, have just sent me the invitation to their wedding.

Four...yes, four....single women have talked to me in the recent past; one is very content with her present life, and is glad that she did not go through with the marriage (she broke off the engagement amidst huge consternation in her family); another envies me the approaching grandchild, though she, too, appears content with her life the way it is; one is dealing with loss and the bereavement of her loved one, and does not feel that any other relationship could even begin to happen; and the fourth has confided that she loves another woman, but there is neither any reciprocation that she is aware of, nor will the society she lives in sanction such a relationship. She has, therefore, avoided getting married as she says that will be unfair to both herself and her spouse; she has opted to live a fairly difficult life, being just an aunt living with her sister's family.

Musing on all this, the only conclusion I can come to is....that if one is in a steady, caring relationship, whether within the marital framework or not, whether a different-sex relationship or not...one must be thankful for the affection that one gives, and receives.